All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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