sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
