o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
