I can text with my tongue
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
