By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you told grandpa to call you daddy
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
