goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize