Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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