My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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