I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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