So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
