take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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