every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
