Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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