my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
