you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
