dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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