never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
