Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
operation have a gay friend backfired
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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