Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He had one of those small greek statue penises
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
