my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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