it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
