Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
