i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
