Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
