Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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