I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize