I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
