Pappa wants mamma naked
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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