o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
