So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
