sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
