dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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