It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
