I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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