no, he came in my armpit
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize