I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
