All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
third nipple confirmed
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
