i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
