Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
