Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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