so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
