God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
