and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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