I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
