I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
