I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
