is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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