You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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