he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
