You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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