omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
