I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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