So drunk its hurt
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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