He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize