This is not my ceiling
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
