I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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