ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
