You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize