Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
