I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
